Sorry about the lack of posts recently – I’ve been down with a bad case of don’t-fucking-feel-like-it-itis. But one must rally! One must be brave! One must get the fuck on the ball and stop pretending that reading Jane Eyre for the tenth time is one’s primary function in life! (But why can’t it be? Life is so unfair.)
Lately I have been mostly doing nothing, as you have probably gathered. I’ve been taking a lot of driving lessons (yes, still), although my test has finally been scheduled now, for the end of November. I am 100% convinced I am going to fail (with that go-get-‘em attitude, you say? Never!). To be fair, most people do fail on their first attempt, and I am notoriously useless in any sort of performance situation. Oh, and also, I’m a shit driver. (Yes, fucking STILL.) Seriously, I should not be on the roads. DO NOT ALLOW ME NEAR YOUR CHILDREN.
Adding insult to injury, my driving instructor is driving me (oh yes I did) round the metaphorical twist. Being stuck in a car for two hours with someone you have nothing in common with is painful at the best of times, but when that someone is also a garrulous idiot, it is fucking insanity-making.
Dude will not shut up. Ever. At all. When he’s not chastising me for failing to “assess the situation on approach” (fuck off, I’M TRYING!), he’s yammering on about something or other, and if it’s not mind-numbingly dull, it’s offensive. Like his charming anecdote about the time he had to help fit a shower in a gay couple’s flat. “It was a double shower,” he said in a sniggering tone, as though they were having Roman baths installed or something. “I was totally fine with it,” he said (actually no, no you weren’t), “until I caught sight of the bed, then I was a bit, like, whoa.” So, you were fine DOING YOUR JOB until you were forced to think of the fact that two men might share a bed together. Well, here’s a rainbow ribbon for you! Aren’t you Mr Social Awareness!
Topics also covered: unions (during the recent postal strikes: “I can’t believe they’re striking. If they don’t like their wages they should find another job. Where would I be if I just stopped working because I didn’t get paid enough? Someone else would take my place. They shouldn’t be allowed to strike.”) and animal rights (“I don’t understand why people go around trying to save all these animals. I mean, if they saved every animal, it would just be ridiculous, wouldn’t it? Especially working animals. They aren’t pets, are they? My brother raced pigeons, and when a bird got too old to race, he’d just snap its neck. Imagine if he’d kept every single bird! That would just be silly!”).
YOU. ARE. A FUCKTARD.
Mostly, though, he talks about cars. Obviously I am interested in cars, because I am learning to drive one. Obviously I need to know what kind of engine is in every single car we pass on the road, and obviously I need to know what kind of car he wants and what kinds of cars he has previously driven in his life and his opinion about every single car ever made, because I CARE! And I totally understand every single inanity about cylinders and suchlike! And I very much want to hear a continuous distracting noise while I’m trying to “assess the situation” and change gears and check my mirrors and decipher cryptic road markings!
Honestly, at this point I am desperate to pass my driving test, not because I'm looking forward to my newfound independence, but because I really want to know what it’s like to experience road rage directed at someone outside the car.