God, I need a massage so badly I could cry. My neck and shoulders feel like they’re carved out of granite. Painful granite. Unfortunately a massage is out of the question since I don’t like strangers touching me when I don’t have my clothes on. (Oh be quiet you. I meant in a professional sense and anyway I’m married now.) I’m always in some degree of pain, since I’m unbelievably tense and neurotic and spend my waking hours with my shoulders hunched around my ears, but lately my pillow seems to have taken a dislike to me. I had to ask my driving instructor yesterday not to have me do any reversing manoeuvres since I couldn’t turn my head. If this gets any worse I’ll have to twist my entire upper body to look around, like Michael Keaton in Batman. What was with that, anyway? Surely his rubber hood was flexible enough to allow for head movement. (Snicker.) Maybe all that swooping gave him whiplash.
England is playing a ‘friendly’ against Germany tonight. As you can guess, English football fans are about as friendly towards Germany as a WWII veteran with no legs. This is another one of those English cultural phenomena that nobody can sufficiently explain. The English on the whole dislike the Germans, but not as much as they dislike the French; however, when it comes to football, the Germans are public enemy number one, followed by Argentina (presumably because of the Falklands?). France doesn’t even rate. I’ve asked numerous people why they hate Germany’s football team so much, and the answer is usually along the lines of, “Because they’re fuckers.” I guess it’s some sort of Freudian political transference, but try telling that to somebody whose most sophisticated mental achievement is setting the words “you’re just a bunch of wankers” to a tune.
Anyway, since I’ve adopted England as my native soil, I shall endeavour to be suitably agonised this evening when Germany plays us into the ground. I have no illusions here. We’ve got more injuries than a Detroit inner-city casualty ward, and also, Steve McClaren. It is to weep.