The other night at the bar, some wanker managed to piss off the wrong girl and she belted him in the face and he recoiled backwards in cartoon-like slow motion, windmilling his arms, for TEN FEET before hitting a chair and falling over. The whole place was in hysterics, and the bartender who was ostensibly recriminating the girl for engaging in fisticuffs ended up congratulating her instead. The bloke’s friend announced loudly, “He just got beat by a girl!” and the guy himself spent the rest of the evening desperately trying to turn invisible. It was the best bar fight ever.
I’ve got not one but two parties lined up for New Year’s Eve, because it never hurts to have a back-up plan. I plan to drink myself to death, and if that plan fails, to reform my ways completely and join a convent. Either one or the other.
To tide you over until that pans out, here is a list in the style of McSweeney’s.
Quotes from wine reviews that made me think, “Dude, it’s a glass of wine, not your girlfriend”
- a wealth of sensuous, almost mysterious, notes
- vivacious, sophisticated, velvety
- fantastic now and will continue to be this good, or even better, for the next quarter century
- fabulous fruity finish
- smooth and clingy
- round, plump and delicious
- complex and compelling
- full-bodied without being overpowering
- tight and not revealing much
- you know this baby is the real thing